audryana

Greatest Day Ever!!

2008-09-03T05:37:08Z

I can't be sure but if everything is right in the world, Mags, Rowen and I might need a roommate ASAP!

Either a huge room with a balcony that overlooks a lake (available to one or two people) for $1,200 (negotiable).
This room is amazing!

or a small room downstairs with private bathroom for $750 (also negotiable).

This is one of the GREATEST days of our lives!!!!!!!

Suck!

2008-08-27T18:23:10Z

Hey, does anyone have a few thousand dollars they want to give me?

Roommate still hasn't paid rent. She won't respond to really nicely worded emails and ripped up the note Mags left her. (She put it in front of my door, because I am the devil so it must all be my fault). Maggie, Rowen, my baby and I are going to be homeless mid-Oct. It sucks. If we could just make it through December we would be able to get rid of her. Unfortunately, that's 3 grand I don't have.

I really wish the universe knew what it wanted to do with me.

Plus, I think I accidently stood up the US Government and it is pissed.

Happiness

2008-08-26T17:55:57Z

So Rory did actually get her scholarship.

$10,140 of off TVT tution this year!~

audryana @ 2008-08-25T09:59:00

2008-08-25T17:02:12Z

25th of the month and still no rent.

Meanwhile, M told me last night she is pretty sure she could replace both D and B with VH1 nostalgia shows.
That amuses me for some reason.

D and B might be a little less happy about it though.

Turtling Up

2008-08-21T20:36:44Z

I'm sorry to all of my friends that is have cut off recently.

The flabby, pasty ball of uncooked biscuit dough that is my roommate has yet to pay her August rent. It's the 21st. So $1,065 to avoid being evicted.

I cannot deal. I cannot even being to deal.

My cat is sick. I can't afford that.
My mom keeps asking for more money. I'm tired of feeling like the grownup.
Rowen's hours are going to be less now that the summer is over.
My house is a mess and I am too depressed to deal.
The stress is making me violently ill. I've been sick and have migraines 2-4 times a week for almost a year now.

I can't even explain what is happening anymore with out feeling completely overwhelmed.

If she does this again next month, we will be homeless by mid-Oct.

And no, I cannot get her evicted or get myself out of the lease. I have already been through that.

I am withdrawing for a while. Sorry guys, it is my only option.

Best At Work IM Convo Ever!!!!

2008-07-23T18:05:15Z

(10:29:17 AM) heathercastner: *poke*
(10:29:27 AM) HanaLenaSchwartz: meow
(10:30:09 AM) heathercastner: lol
(10:30:13 AM) heathercastner: *pinch*
(10:30:45 AM) HanaLenaSchwartz: *spank*
(10:33:56 AM) heathercastner: *stab with a spoon*
(10:35:15 AM) HanaLenaSchwartz: *combat with spork*
(10:35:28 AM) HanaLenaSchwartz: spork beats spoon
(10:35:42 AM) heathercastner: *chopstick kata*
(10:36:08 AM) HanaLenaSchwartz: *sexy clone jistsu*
(10:36:53 AM) heathercastner: *jewish guilt style*
(10:37:49 AM) HanaLenaSchwartz: *converts to Protestantism, feels quit for nothing*
(10:39:12 AM) heathercastner: *converts to catholoicsm, sets rome on a holy quest to abolish the sinners who strayed from the church* Warcry:Inquisition!
(10:40:54 AM) HanaLenaSchwartz: *battles with the Rennainsance*
(10:42:04 AM) heathercastner: *conquors with governmental reform*
(10:43:46 AM) HanaLenaSchwartz: *combats with buddism and 60s style activism, supports attack with music*
(10:47:20 AM) heathercastner: (as much as it pains me to do this) *Regan Era*!
(10:47:57 AM) HanaLenaSchwartz: *Going Green!*
(10:48:09 AM) heathercastner: *Consumerism*
(10:49:26 AM) HanaLenaSchwartz: *Universal Health Care and revamped Social programs*
(10:50:19 AM) heathercastner: *Twitter*
(10:51:09 AM) HanaLenaSchwartz: No! Damn you! It is possible!
(10:53:40 AM) heathercastner: lol. do you yeild!?
(10:53:53 AM) HanaLenaSchwartz: Damn
(10:54:11 AM) HanaLenaSchwartz: I think I lost on grounds of Improbibility
(10:54:24 AM) heathercastner: lol

audryana @ 2008-05-27T00:02:00

2008-05-27T07:02:38Z

http://missluthesluttyjew.blogspot.com/

audryana @ 2008-02-01T10:26:00

2008-02-01T18:28:11Z

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1
Shut up, sit down and strap in. Stop bitching. The only thing worse than life is when it stops.

audryana @ 2008-01-29T22:27:00

2008-01-30T06:29:45Z

audryana @ 2008-01-25T01:05:00

2008-01-25T09:06:59Z

Wait—Are You Implying I Need to Read This Article?
Martha Beck gives her take on defending yourself against attacks from defensive people.
By Martha Beck

I want your honest opinion," said my friend Joanna, handing me her unpublished manuscript. "Don't whitewash; tell the truth. Promise!"

So I promised—apprehensively. Joanna's very talented, but I know she also takes criticism hard. To my relief, I loved her book, and I fired off an e-mail saying that the only way she could possibly improve it would be to make it a little more personal. "You're so amazing," I told her. "Putting more of you in the book would take it from great to sublime."

Joanna didn't write back for nearly a month. When she did, it was to tell me that my "attack" had left her "inconsolable."

Oy.

I'd made a crucial mistake when I agreed to be Joanna's critic: I ignored my knowledge that she is a highly defensive person. People like her (let's call them HDPs for short) can be found in almost every family, workplace, or crowd. Dealing with them requires a special set of skills, a defense against defensiveness. I recommend keeping these techniques handy for dealing with the HDPs in your life—or for minimizing your own defensiveness, should it ever raise its touchy little head.

The Dark Side of Sensitivity
Joanna describes herself as sensitive, and she is. But her reaction to my comments wasn't sensitivity; it was defensiveness. The two may feel identical to the person experiencing them, but actually they're worlds apart. Sensitivity is born of careful attention. It involves looking closely, understanding deeply, and therefore not causing harm. Defensiveness, on the other hand, is the bastard child of shame. For people who have survived harshly judgmental environments, shame—the sick sense that they're basically inadequate—dominates the psychological landscape. They're sensitive the way a truckload of TNT is sensitive. Virtually any bump or jostle causes them to explode, often harming others.

Knowing an HDP's destructive behavior comes from shame doesn't excuse it. But at least it helps me understand why one of my clients dumped her boyfriend for "implying she was ugly" because he closed his eyes when they kissed, or why I once saw a party guest respond to the question, "Would you like some wine?" by snapping, "Why, do I look like an alcoholic?" From the outside, defensive behavior is disproportionate, bizarre, often appalling. But from the perspective of the HDPs, these actions are justifiable—no, necessary!—self-protection. I've spent a long time thinking about the best way to deal effectively with such people.
Short answer: You can't.

Long answer: You really can't. Don't even try.

The reason one can't look to defensive people for top-quality relationships is that such relationships require two human beings. But defensive people don't think like humans. They think like reptiles. I mean this literally. Beneath the elaborate neural structures that mediate our subtle social interactions, we all possess what scientists call a reptilian brain. This ancient biological structure, which evolved in reptiles, isn't capable of nuanced emotion or logical thought. Its primary driving force is fear. Two fears, to be specific.

The first worry of all reptile brains (including yours and mine) is "I don't have enough!" Not enough love, money, food, credit, glory—the subject of our deprivation obsessions varies, but the theme "not enough" pounds away like a monotonous drumbeat. The only thing as loud to the reptile ear is its other major concern: "Someone's out to get me!" An HDP perceives threat coming from lots of sources; one day the Enemy may be a coworker, the next a relative, the next an entire nation. But to the reptile brain, someone, somewhere, is always about to attack.

This makes evolutionary sense. Lizards live longer if they obsessively acquire more food, shelter, and mates, and if they expect predators to jump them at any moment. Sadly, however, reptiles are blind to nondefensive emotions; to the glow of love, the tickle of amusement. The only thing playing on their mental screens, all day every day, is The Lack and Attack Show. The same is true of HDPs. When humans are gripped by primal fear, they become their inner lizards—and HDPs are virtually always gripped by primal fear.

So the best relationship you can hope to sustain with a defensive person is the sort you might have with a reptile. As a doctor here in Arizona once explained to a man who was bitten on the lip while kissing his pet rattlesnake (it made the newspapers), you simply cannot expect a loving connection from a reptile, even if you raised it from the egg. Remembering that these people are basically giant talking lizards will keep you from futilely trying to please them, persuade them or explain yourself to them. That's a key step. But a solid defense against defensiveness requires you to go further—to manage the fear that may put you in HDP mode.

How to Avoid Becoming a Highly Defensive Person
Defensiveness is extremely contagious. When Joanna "forgave" me for what I thought was glowingly positive feedback, I felt a jolt of angry defensiveness myself. If I'd followed my own inner lizard, with its worries of being insufficiently loved and excessively criticized, I'd have accused Joanna of being paranoid—which would've sent her inner lizard into all-out combat mode, triggering still more defensiveness in me, resulting in a relationship catastrophe I call War of the Dinosaurs (dinosaur means "fearfully great lizard").

It's easy to say that we should stay out of reptile mode, but that's hard advice to follow when some HDP launches an attack—especially if the person has any power over you. When your highly defensive parent, boss, head nurse, or gang leader launches a dinosaur attack, you may not be able to stop yourself from getting upset in return. But if you can't help slithering into reptile mode, there's still one option left: Don't go lizard. Go turtle.

The Shell Game
One reason the Roman Empire conquered most of ancient Europe was a military maneuver called the turtle. In battles a regiment would clump together, the soldiers in the center holding their shields above their heads, while those on the periphery shielded the unit's front, back, and sides. They'd march along that way, pretty much an indestructible human tortoise. You, too, need such tactics for engaging with HDPs who loom above you in the social-power landscape.

"Going turtle" means putting up an emotional shell. This isn't easy, because mirror neurons in your brain fire in resonance with the feelings of people around you. If you and I were talking, part of your brain would organize itself to match part of mine, and vice versa. When you're with a loving person, this is wonderful; with an HDP, it creates wars straight out of the Mesozoic era. To avoid conflagration, you must pull your sensitive social neurons back into a shell.

It isn't all that hard. Try this: Think about an occasion when an HDP blew up at you. Remember the shock, the anger, the urge to lash back. Got it? Good. Now picture your living room painted kumquat orange. Then figure out whether 713 is a prime number. Do you notice how your mind lets go of emotional reactivity as it attacks visual or analytical problems? Artists and scientists are notoriously eccentric because their mental work diverts brainpower from social connection. When I'm listening to an HDP's rant, I am also, almost always, thinking about painting. Desert landscapes, usually. They help my inner turtle feel safe, so that I don't mirror the aggression of the HDP.

Next Step: The High Road
Pulling into an emotional shell is better than engaging in dinosaur warfare, and can allow you to converse with HDPs without being destroyed. An even higher goal than turtling, however, is to remain fearlessly human in the face of hostility. My idol, in this regard, is dear departed Steve Irwin, the crocodile hunter, who loved reptiles unabashedly and unilaterally, even as he grappled and sidestepped to avoid their violent attacks. There are many HDPs in my life I really enjoy, the way Steve Irwin enjoyed his crocs. Joanna, for example, is a good friend and wonderful writer, especially for a lizard.

You can learn a lot about handling HDPs by studying the way Irwin treated his beloved reptiles: firmly but lovingly. "You're all right, sweetheart," he'd croon as a sea snake tried desperately to envenomate him. "Aren't you gorgeous!" he'd exult to a charging one-eyed alligator. And you could tell he meant it. I think HDPs all over the world must have felt strangely happy watching Steve lovingly disarm reptiles like themselves.

If you're feeling brave enough, try the crocodile hunter's techniques on a highly defensive person. See something beautiful in them, and steadfastly mirror that instead of their antagonism. I've used the above Irwinisms—"You're all right, sweetheart" and "Aren't you gorgeous!"—and found them very effective, even in business negotiations. But my favorite reptile-wrangling skill, the one I used with Joanna, consists of three ridiculously simple words: "All is well."

Try saying this, warmly, the next time an HDP lashes out at you. "You attacked my writing!" All is well. "You're implying I'm ugly!" All is well. "Do I look like an alcoholic to you?" All is well. It may sound off-point, but since extreme defensiveness is itself off-point, this actually works better than following your HDP's arguments. When I assured Joanna, "All is well," she instantly relaxed. Keeping "All is well" on the tip of your tongue can disarm bullies, mend marriages, stop fistfights. It's a three-word de-defensivizer.

Say it now, to feel it in your mouth and mind. Repeat the whole classic mantra: "All is well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well." Feel how this soothes your inner lizard. It works so well I don't even care if it's true—though I suspect it may be, in some mystical realm that mortal eyes see only through a glass, darkly. But one thing's for sure, even in the workaday world, where friends may turn into dinosaurs and you're stuck with an exploding coworker: If you have a few reptile-wrangling tricks under your belt, all will be a heck of a lot better.

Martha Beck is the author of The Four-Day Win (Rodale).

Actual email exchange between roommate and self.

2008-01-24T23:35:00Z

P.S.

I know it's "fine" - I live in the house too and the TV is, after all, mine. I wasn't asking permission. Just informing you.

Thank you!
~B******

----- Original Message ----
From: Miss Lu <misslu48@hotmail.com>
To: B***** **** <***************>
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 9:34:58 AM
Subject: RE: Feb. 3rd

That's fine. Rowen and I are going to Noel's SuperBowl Party that day. You might want to tell Maggie you plan on having people over. I'm sure she would appreciate the head's up.

Date: Tue, 22 Jan 2008 16:27:40 -0800
From: *******************
Subject: Feb. 3rd
To: misslu48@hotmail.com

I am having a Super Bowl party on that day, so I will need the use of my TV. Thank you.
~B*******

Sad part: this overt passive-agressiveness is the MOST civil she has been to me in two and half months.

Update

2008-01-20T01:25:43Z

Well, I really should have been posting all along. Now there is way too much to catch up on and unfortunately very little of it good.

As many know I have been having some fairly serious problems with a roommate (not M, she is still awesome sauce). This roommate may still get us evicted but so far she seems satisfied with costing me some serious money (if we get evicted, I will lose almost $8,000 dollars because of her to date and I will not be able to find another place to live). Now said roommate is single and inviting men to the house on nights the baby is home for what I can only dub "booty calls". They show up, go into her room for an hour, moan alot and she walks them out with 'sex hair'. She may be a prostitute,but I think it is more likely she is just very lonely. Lord knows, it's not the activity I disapprove of. I've done worse. I've just never brought it into a family home. And her choice of partners is dubious at best. The last one cause Rowen to move the huge, heavy cat tree to just inside the baby's door for the night. The baby is at Gma's EVERY Thursday night and at Father's every Sat (overnight every other sat.) She has yet to have one of these dates on those nights. Oddly enough it tends to be Sunday and Wednesday nights. In the last 6 days, I have come home to find the door unlocked and the house empty 4 times. When I mention this, she shrugs. I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm probably going to have to sue her for past rent/deposit/utilities owed. The leasing company won't evict just her, even though she is the only one they have a problem with. She was even stupid enough to admit to having a skunk in writing when they had nothing but the brief glance of a stoned repairman to go on. They could have proved nothing without written affidavids from multiple, reliable sources or pictures. To get pictures they would need a court order to enter and search the house and any judge would through the request out after seeing photos of my big, fluffy, black and white long haired cat who is identified on the lease. So she had to give up the skunk and I know she is blaming me for that. She hasn't said a single civil thing to me or Rowen Since he moved here (Dec.6) so I cannot correct this perception. I honestly don't care anymore, she blames me for everything else that is wrong with her life. She can keep being a victim, I'm done.

In late Dec. Rowen and had a few problems but it was mostly over in a week. I thought it was going to be a much bigger deal than it was. He is a much better person than I am.

I lost my job Dec. 6th. Oddly enough it may be good for me. I was working 12 hour shift and losing my mind for $11 an hour. Now I make $1500 a month on unemployment. Recently, I got a temp to hire 9-5:30 job for $14 an hour, but I'm hoping I get a $17.57 an hour job at UCI. All the school holiday breaks and killer benefits. Plus, for working there before I already have 18 months in to my retirement. 18.5 year till pension eligibility. Mostly, I love spending more time with the baby.

My aunt died and two of my mom's cousin's died in the same weekend.

My mother admitted she does not remember most of the time she was married to my Father or Step-father, aka my childhood. Now I have no chance of getting context or a linear understand of the things that happened. Oh, and both men had been married before mom and I never knew.

My car sounds like shit and it will probably be a month before I can have anyone look at it.

On Tuesday I took my dog to the vet. In a weird coinscidence a golden retrevier walked up to my back door as I was trying to leave. I put him in the garage with food and water and called the owner. When the owner came he reminded me of a child molester, Normal looking, very rich suburby, but unidentifiably creepy somehow. He mentioned the dog has run away a few times before. As he walked away from the house, the dog stopped and didn't want to go. He hit the dog hard in the middle of the back and violently dragged it away. I don't think the guy knows I saw. If that dog makes it back to me, it is disappearing.

This morning I had to deal with the fact my ex lies to me, tries to teach the baby to lie to me, dresses her in boys underwear and makes he feel ashamed of herself to the point that the nightmares have returned (though, thank g-d not as bad as before). I am continuely grateful for the baby's therapist. She handles the ex very well and I am very proud of myself for the way I dealt with the situation. I do have to admit, the fact he knows the court ordered him to stop this behavior once before does help my cause.

But mostly, I'm dealing with having to put my dog down today. He was wonderful and loving. He knew his job was to take care of the baby and he did it with calm reliability. Even M, who was bravely dealing with her long standing terror of dogs, loved him and would take him on walks alone sometimes. He was in alot of pain and had begun having seizures so I know it was the right thing to do ,but still holding him at the vet today was hard. He was loving and cuddling to the last second. My mom and Rowen were there and that definatly helped. It was oddly comforting to see Rowen cry for Patch. He is a good man and even though he only knew Patch for 6 weeks, he really loved that dog. My cats have spent the day following me around a cuddling with me. That has been very helpful as well.

I'm sorry this post is so poorly written; I don't have the strength for eloquince (or decent spelling).

I'll try to be happier next time.

audryana @ 2007-12-24T11:23:00

2007-12-24T19:25:30Z

I do better without options.
Somebody else should make my decisions for me.

The truth is, I am an asshole who knows I am an asshole.
He is a good man who thinks he is an asshole.

100% on the 5 Best Ones

2007-10-24T03:59:13Z

Which sci-fi crew would you best fit in with? (pics)
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Deep Space Nine (Star Trek)

You have entered the dark side of the Star Trek universe. The paradise of Earth is far from you and you must survive despite having enemies on all fronts. But you wouldn't have it any other way because you thrive in conflict and will know what needs to be done to take care of those around you. Now if only the Founders would quit trying to take over the galaxy.

Serenity (Firefly)

100%

Moya (Farscape)

100%

Galactica (Battlestar: Galactica)

100%

Deep Space Nine (Star Trek)

100%

Bebop (Cowboy Bebop)

100%

Heart of Gold (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

88%

Nebuchadnezzar (The Matrix)

75%

SG-1 (Stargate)

75%

Millennium Falcon (Star Wars)

75%

Babylon 5 (Babylon 5)

75%

FBI's X-Files Division (The X-Files)

63%

Enterprise D (Star Trek)

56%

Andromeda Ascendant (Andromeda)

50%

audryana @ 2007-09-27T20:37:00

2007-09-28T03:39:50Z

OH MY G! I just got the house of my dreams! (thank you Rowen. thank you. thank you. my boyfriend is a superhero)

This place is perfect. And, Maggie, I know where you are have this year's cocktail party. Trust me. I won't even tell you why until you come see it.

That being said, who wants to help me move this weekend?

audryana @ 2007-09-21T21:44:00

2007-09-22T04:44:38Z

<td align="center"> HanaLena --
[noun]:

An immortal

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

audryana @ 2007-09-11T11:20:00

2007-09-11T18:23:37Z

Rowen and I are offically together.

Wow...

2007-09-07T05:31:10Z

I'm sorry. I've completely failed at my resolution to post more. And my sub resolution to answer people's comments.

But...

I'm in love.

I'm afraid to talk about it too much because then it will disappear for some reason.

I'm in love, storybook style.

Lost college sweethearts re-united kind of love.

He's been looking for me for seven years, has had my old phone number sitting on his desk for two years. He was afraid to call, not because the number might not work anymore, but because I might not care anymore.

And even without any of that, he is still the most beautiful person I have ever known.

*squeey*

audryana @ 2007-08-13T10:54:00

2007-08-13T17:55:05Z

I've hit a weird breaking point. I need out of my job, now!

Cello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-08-10T05:33:01Z

My mom just bought me a used cello in beautiful condition for $200.

For those of you that don't know, my cello was bashed over the top of an Oldsmobile almost 11 years ago (when I was 15). I never thought I deserved to spend $1500+ on just myself. No one else was going to benefit from me playing and I certainly wasn't going to do this for a living.

I made due with my guitars, the flute I got in forth grade, my harp (till that got lost/stolen by and ex) and my voice. The problem? I'm a soprano but I feel in bass. The low, resonating tones of the cello speak of longing, the kind of depth begging for metaphor. The cello still needs to be re-strung and named but she's mine, all mine.

OK. I'm almost done being obnoxious.

I talked to Rowen briefly today. He is going to come visit the last weekend in October.

So, basically today was awesome. The world is a good place. And now Hava, Maggie and I can start a punk rock, all girl, string trio and rule the world!

*luckily all this random joy coincides with my new resolution to actual post stuff

Question (mostly) for the Guys

2007-08-09T03:12:12Z

So I've been messaging back and forth with my ex (see previous post). I have a HUGE habit of reading to much into things but I've really trying not to this time. I've lightly dismissed his sentence about thinking of my pouty face making him smile. I've actively disregarded his remembering a random, pet term for the weird way I sneeze (butterfly sneezes, because I flap my hands when I'm about to sneeze like I am trying to fly away). I even blithely laughed off his recalling the subtle undertones in the coloring of my hair.

However, when I made a joke about him remembering everything, he responded that he can't remember the way I smell and that actually makes him rather sad.

I'm allowed to read into that, right?

audryana @ 2007-08-03T23:05:00

2007-08-05T06:12:37Z

I am waaaaaaaaay to addicted to Gawker.com.

Literary Idiocy

Old Friends, Old Feelings

2007-08-05T00:31:06Z

They say that men always regret/fantasy about the one they could never have; with women it's the one they could have but let go of.

An old ex found me on myspace. (what is it lately with people I haven't seen in years finding me?)We dated my first semester in college. Back when I was in Marin.

Right now there are so many things I want to say about Rowen, I find myself speechless.

audryana @ 2007-06-25T10:16:00

2007-06-25T17:22:16Z

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

It was the first one I got and I love it.

audryana @ 2007-06-21T16:02:00

2007-06-22T22:01:10Z

Now I am sad. And sick.

Jen was supposed to come over today and play Clue with me. But now that I am all sick with this virus (and not just laid up from the surgery) she can't keep me company. We are going to try to have a Clue party once I feel better (and if we can come up with a place to do it). But I am still sad. I mean, who doesn't want and uber-cute, sweet girl come take care of them when they feel bad?